I am plagued now
with the late night taunting of my past, and the debilitating fear of panic
attacks as I lay awake trying as I might to forget the past.
Because no-one knows of my disease except my wife I am pretty
much isolated in my own thoughts with this and I am finding out now at the age
of 49 that the past has a way of dredging its way up in your mind and
creating an issue to deal with today instead of when it happened as a child.
You see as a child I was called fat, fatty, fatso, fat arse,
dumbo, tom-bowler, lard arse, and many more insulting and degrading
things, and this was just by my family. I was born a large child and
have stayed this way all my life. My mothers pet name for me was fatty, and I
never ever felt as though she was being hurtful or nasty in any way, I think it
was the way they dealt with obesity in the 50's, 60's and 70's. Make
fun of it and it will be a way to get someone to change. well
it didn't and it doesn't work.
My school life was full of taunts and jibes mainly
by the boys as the girls always seemed to look past
anything and see the real you until peer pressure means they no longer can be seen
with a fat guy. It's cruel but true. My father used my weight against me in
ways that I see now as outright bullying and full of anger. If I failed at
anything it was my physical form that caused the problem, "you
stupid fat fuck" for instance was often used if I failed at anything.
Girls well that's another story.
Needless to say I used my anger and vented internally and put it all in a
closet away from anyone so they could never see I was damaged or hurt. I
learnt at a young age to make people laugh and turn the situation
around with humor and sarcasm and used
my intellect to defeat the dumb name callers in social situations and
my friends all knew I was the jolly one of the group. I was
on the outside but deep inside I was fuming and no-one ever knew. It was at 13
that I turned a knife blade onto myself and bled for my size which was my way
of trying to end it all, but I could not go through with it and just ended up
scaring myself for life and I still have the scars to prove it. Both
mentally and physically!
I
took to writing as an outlet for my anger and the darkness that flows
within me was evident even to my mother at that young age and at 16 she knew
there was a darkness to my soul that would never heal. I just thought I was talented at
writing the darker subjects but its now I realize the hate I built up
over the years fuels my dark desires.
If I
take a step forward in time through my 32 years of bulimia you can
start to see a pattern emerge that I had forgotten existed. I am only now
starting to allow myself for some reason remember the pain of my childhood
and the past that I thought dead and buried within my mind.
I do not know why this is but I need to seek help with this as I wake crying
and covered in sweat from the night terrors that haunt my mind. The
taunts, the feelings that I should have felt at the time are two fold in my
mind and I am a frightened and angry little boy that I never was as a child
because I placed the bad parts of my life in a filing cabinet
within the darker recesses of my mind.
If
anyone can help me understand these issues I would love to talk with you as I
am in need of a psychiatrist or Psychologist to get past this and if you
are looking for a case study I am your man! I need this out of my head so I can
move on with my life.
Thanks for reading
Graeme
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