Monday, 20 August 2012

My life is a trial

Today I lookad at myself and thought you fat bastard.

I am in a slump at present all weekend I was at the gym and spent hours on the cross trainer burning upward of 2,500 calories. All for what. I have good eating habits and then bam I open a packet of chips. The bag was gone and I was downing a bucket of water to try and help me bring them back up again. I burst all the blood vessles in my eyes because of the strain of trying to bring the food back up out of my stomach. I felt so ashamed of myself that I got all depressed and cried for about 10 minutes before I was overcome with teh need to feed again. 8 heaped teaspoons of Milo into a glass with a tiny bit of milk just to make a sweet milo mud and I was in hevean again feeding my need to hate myself. Again I vomited it all back up and crawled into bed feeling sore and mentally scared from my nights loathing. My wife none the wiser of my escapades I fell asleep thinking all teh time how ashamed I was of myself. Its just not fair. Why do I have to feel this way. I was doing so good but being good means putting weight on and I can ill afford to do that. My life sucks, I hate it so much now.

Sunday, 5 August 2012

just finished my shower and looked at myself in the mirror. Yuk I have put on so much weight I was on the cross trainer yesterday for 90 mins and burt 1600 calaries but for what it just does not translate to weight loss. It sucks I eat well I watch my diet and I have to look after my 76 yr old father today and tonight as he had a knee replacement and he is by himself after mum died. it sucks I cant be thin. I hate my body! I hate throwing up and I hate all this shit. Its just not fair. I eat nothing wrong but still it does not come off. Its no wonder I am like I am but my body has rebelled against me from all the years of Bulimia and now my heart is week and my teeth are playing up. If you are thinking of being like me dont its sucks I tell you. 30+ years of abuse and my body has had enough. Its just not fair!

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Having a hard time lately nothing I do gets my head straight and even teh writing isnt having teh desired effect any more. I write lots because its a distraction from my day to day life. I hate my body and I hate how I look. I just cant get out of the cycle of things. Maybe I need a doctor this time. I am not sure any more my body does not loose teh weight like it used to and my teeth cant take any more vomiting. My self esteme is dying slowly and my sex life is now almost non existant because I cant look at myself in the mirror/ I just hate being a 48 year old fat guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It fucking sucks. Here I am trying to help others with their issues and my own demons have come back to haunt me. I just downwed a pack of Maltesers followed by a litre of water and brought the whole thing up again. My stomache hurts and my eyes have burst blood vessles from the strain.