Friday, 6 September 2013
The Pain of Today
My Bulimic Mind
What I can tell you is that depression and self loathing are a group deal when you suffer bulimia, and Its becoming even more evident to me that there are longer lasting mental issues that are associated with my illness.
last night was a prime example of what I will share with you today. I left work after a fairly ordinary day and I was feeling good about myself in many ways because work is one thing we do well as we need the stimulus during the day. But I had to shop for bread and get a haircut. It was while my amazing barber was cutting my hair that I saw myself in the mirror and felt physically distressed, my double chin and bloated face, the double lines in my neck creases all made me feel ugly and within an instant I was back on the downward spiral.
I paid and left to get dinner for the family and stopped to get fish and Chicken and some chips for us and then I preceded to eat the food and then some more and more. I felt fat, upset and annoyed with my health, my mind and my looks. It sucks that less than 5 years ago I was as fit as a bull and the blood clots I have had in the last 4 years has decimated me both physically and mentally. I have been drug free only 15 months in this 4 year period. I am a mess, and it sucks its just not fair. I cant seem to get past the current bout of depression that I have and the mirror is my worst friend in the world. My emotions are fucked up and I cry all day and wake up at all hours of the night in cold sweats dreaming of the past and the bullying I received and the taunting I endured at the hands of so called friends and family. Its official "TOUGH LOVE" is NOT LOVE! it is damaging to the mind and soul, and I am true testament to this fact.
Anyway back to my trials of last night. I ate drank 4 glasses of water and waited for my wife to leave then proceeded to lock myself in the toilet and vomited as much as I could, the purge was emotional and draining as the fluid took some of my stomach contents with it. I then cleaned up went out and drank another 3 glasses of water and sat waiting for a good time and off I went again this time using my finger to try and bring as much up as possible. I collapsed on the floor in a flood of tears and emotional pain looking at myself thinking what a looser I am, maybe they are right maybe they were always right. I am just a fat bastard destined to be that all my life and die a fat fuck in an over-sized coffin. There are times I think of just getting it over with not having to put up with the taunts, the side ways jabs from friends family and colleagues. Its just too much at times and today is one of those times, my mind is fragile if my body is not, so I damage that which is strong to the detriment of that which is weak. I need help but am unsure where to turn. I am fine writing but talking about the shame and addiction to self harm which is what this is is just so hard. Its easy when your a teen everyone labels you as an emo or whatever but as a 49 year old man your just weak! that's the problem I am weak.
Thanks for listening